Edvard Munch, “Ashes”, 1894

It’s rather absurd that I am suffering mentally right now, because I feel physically fine.  My current suffering is all due to fear and anxiety about what will happen to me in the future. It’s not making me a pleasant person to be around–I’m spreading the suffering through this low level depression.

I am getting much help from reading Eckert Tolle’s book, The New Earth.   He talks about “the background unhappiness” that many of us experience unconsciously, a feeling of underlying resentment that may be specific or non-specific.  You don’t even know you are thinking these thoughts because they have become part of your belief system.  He lists some of the most common resentments–which I am applying to my condition but they certainly apply to other aspects of my life.

“There is something that needs to happen in my life (having strong bones) before I can be at peace.  And I resent that it hasn’t happened yet.  Maybe my resentment will finally make it happen.”

“Something happened in the past that should not have happened, and I resent that. (My mom shouldn’t have suffered so much with osteoporosis). If that hadn’t happened, I would be at peace.”

“Something is happening now that should not be happening, (I shouldn’t have this!!) and it is preventing me from being at peace now.”

When I can put these assumptions to rest, and I can do it for a few moments at a time, I feel peace.  I actually feel acceptance.  I stop suffering. When I am able to consistently manage these thoughts, I will be fine, no matter what.